Hey everyone!

Last night was a good time. I spent most of it at Matt's. I got home around midnight and did some stuff, called my dad and went to bed.

I got up pretty late this morning and took a shower and such. Around two I went to my grandparents and I chilled with my aunt which was really awesome. I'm still here now while my uncle makes some dinner.

autumn

(3 doors down - here without you) 

hey. long time no update. i'm aware of that.

hm... it's been a really long time i guess. i'm without a computer at the moment but i'm sure most of you care so deeply about that. uhmm... i'm at matt's now... and i had quite a busy month or so.

homecoming was last night. it was so much fun! everyone was there, and everyone was dancing. I don't think I saw one person who didn't look good. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves which is always nice to see

today was homecoming day. i went to the football game with holly, lauren and brenna. we went back to lauren's and then holly's mom pick the three of us up to go to walmart so holly could buy the ataris cd  Holly was gonna have the three of us over but I had to go back to matt's so I wasn't able to go. I dyed his hair red and spiked it again... I also put a bunch of makeup on him and had a good laugh. Oh good times.

I talked to whitney earlier to day which was good. It's been so long!

I'll update later maybe...

-Autumn-

And last night I could have just cried. Surprisingly, I did. I cried really hard. There is so much going on that I can hardly withstand it all, but I'm okay. Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. I'm pretty scared right now but somehow I still have a large amount of hope inside of me and I know that eventually, everything will not only feel okay, but they will be okay. I miss a lot of what life was like when I was really little. Everything and every one of my friends was so carefree and as we got older, day to day we never realized how much we really had changed, but when we sit back and really look around and say "look at everything that's hit us and yet we can still sit here and talk about what it was like getting in trouble at age seven." Have you ever just found yourself in a room and you see something so hillarious to you, but absolutely no one else in the room laughs but you? Yeah. I find that to be really often with me, and I find that if you can laugh at something and not care if anyone else is either, that's one step further than where you were a year, a day, a month, whatever the time may be, ago. Even though everything seems ultimately hazy and confusing, I know the haziness and confusion will always be there, and there will just be times where I hit the eye of the storm and embrace all the calmness that I find really easilly, yet of course i have to prepare to hit the worst part of it again. Life is hard to follow but I've realized that God can help so much. Over this summer, I've truly begun to realize what God can really do for some people. He saved a life one night when I prayed and prayed, and when I saw the person the next morning, they said "something told me not to do it." I don't believe that was just coincidental. For some reason, that makes me think of relationships. When it comes to guys, age is nothing but a number to me. Looks are nothing but a physical attraction and have nothing to do with the emotional attraction you feel for someone. I have to say that right now, I do feel genuinely happy with one particular person although I'm not pushing anything, although something tells me we aren't staying in the same place for very long. I had feelings for him a while ago, and things just kind of flopped over from there, even though he had feelings for me, too. The sad part is, even when we didn't talk for the long periods of time, I feel strange to say this, but I missed him greatly and I don't understand why. Often times I really wouldn't even feel as though I liked him as 'more than a friend,' but i can't seem to find a reason as to why I missed him all this time. Relationships also bring me to the subject of family. Tracy moves in with us tonight, and already I feel this overwhelming sense of comfort and security and she's not even here yet. It's been around six years and even though I've never met her in person, she's one of the most amazing women I've ever met in my entire life. She's done so many things for myself, my dad, and my mom, although the subject of my mother tends to be flimsy with her. My family isn't in the best condition right now, but I also have faith in that too and I know that whatever happens, happens for a reason, and that whatever is meant to be, will happen. Whatever obstacles we pass, we may overcome and what ever flavor life brings us we will somehow make a drink of it. Even if it's just lemons. Some people I've also come to the conclusion, are backstabbers. I have never met anyone more backstabbing this year than I have this one particular girl in my grade. I never have had a problem with her and although I'm not even angry with her, I'm very hurt at what she did and I also know she angered a few other people, including a few of whome were my friends. I guess you really need to be careful with who you call a 'nice person' and a 'nice first impression.' Others just have a sense of not letting go of somethings that are just truly necessary, and to be completely honest, I don't think he realized that it was he who drove me away. I don't think he realizes that the only person he's capable of having feelings for are himself and I would do anything to turn him around, but I'm only me and I can't do that. Then you have friends. True friends. Best friends. "BFFS" whatever you prefer to call them. Holly has been my best friend for a while, and she's a sheer angel in my eyes. She's such a good person inside and out and I don't think I've ever connected with someone as much as I have her. We do everything together, we tell eachother absolutely everything and I just feel so comfortable talking to her. What I did to deserve her as my best friend, I don't think I'll ever understand, but I'll take it as a true blessing. Jim's another. Jim and I have known eachother for, wow, I think eight years or something? I met him when I was like, six, or something close to that. Take or give a year. We used to be really close and now somehow I feel like he and I are drifting kind of far away from eachother. I miss him greatly, but I can't push anything. Soon we will both be going in completely different directions and although he has played one of the biggest roles in my life, although he's pointed me in so many better directions, although his words are heard even long after they are said, I can't help but only hope for the best in whatever he is doing, and I still love him all the same.

Jeez, alright, long enough entry and to everyone who took the time to read that whole long thing, you have serious stanima and props will go to you for that

autumn

Interesting day today, I must say.

Oh hey that rhymed

I had school and I was tired for the most part. Mr. Gaddis said something to me because I was late, and I couldn't find the room but it's all good. Saw Bob quite a bit too which was nice. Lindsey and I had a lot of fun in science too. Spanish was hilarious... we did this alphabet song that these kindergarteners do, and the way that they pronounce the letters are insane. I'm sure all of you care so much about what my classes are like.

I rode my bike down to Friendlys after school for some ice cream and then I headed over to see Bob for a little while. I went over and got him and some other guy that worked there some food, then i headed back home.

Interesting night with other people as well, some enjoyable and some just flat out immature, saddening, scary, and retarted.

That's really all I have to say for right now. I feel kind of sick

--Autumn--

It's too hard.

well hi.

i started school on wednesday, and i only got into one class at the wrong time! I got Science and webpage mixed up entirely. But i got to webpage just fine after Mr. Gaddis gave me my pass. I came back to my mom's so I could feed my new baby kitten. My dad got him a few days ago, at least, I think it's a him. He rescued him from a flat that was going to fall and he was the only baby kitten. He's three weeks old at the most. I haven't really decided on what I'm going to name him yet, but I'll think of something.

I did the strangest thing today. I saw Bob at his locker, and since our fight, he and I had never made up, and I just tapped him on the shoulder and his first words were "Oh my God, it's you." and he smiled. We talked a lot and walked around together. It was nice. I talked to him a bit on the phone tonight too.

I feel so awful right now because of what I told brian but I just couldn't help it. I'm sorry brian, please don't be sad. I know you are but please try not to be.  

Everything is so difficult and seemingly brand new to me. I can't exactly put my words to thought and say "this is where it all began" because frankly I can't do that accurately. I feel like I'm a little kid again just going to kindergarten for the first time, and meeting my teacher as she puts a scented smiley face sticker on my shirt, smiling back at me just like the sticker. She would welcome me and walk me through the classroom, greeting every other child we came in contact with. Everything feels that way again, except without the teacher. As if I'm just walking through a whole new world without any guidence although I know I have a lot. I know that God watches out for me and for those of you who do not believe in God, I completely respect that. Everything is so different. I'm so eager to try things but at the same time I'm very cautious about everything too. I hope one day I can fully understand what it is I go through so much and what honestly makes me feel this way. Is it just normal teenage emotion, or is it something more? I haven't the slightest clue, and it figures, i talk so much about feelings with other people and the last person's emotions I can distinguish are my own.

If I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy.

Steven came back to school

--Autumn--

thank you for everything... just making me smile the most.